A tarmac of black rolls out on my heart. A pile of
unprocessed feelings clog my breath. I may have grown to be 20 but deep inside
I still feel 5. Yes, that’s how it is! I still feel as small as a kid inside
who wants to be careless and carefree, unperturbed and uninterrupted by the
tides and ties of adulthood and responsibility (of acting like an adult).
I
know the notion sounds kiddish but somewhere deep inside the little boy doesn’t
care what the conventional notions and stipulations are, on which the modern
world works and which this modern world inflicts on us!
This article is not
about how I want to act childishly or carefree, it’s more about the threads and
knots of feelings that surround us. There’s so much we are holding inside that
somewhere deep down our hearts we all are lost and garbled to an extent beyond
repair. It is at this point of time that I see the actual appreciable beauty in
the lines ‘Man is born free but everywhere he's in chains!’.
The tarmac is turning so
thick and black on the lining of our souls freezing us with its balmy with each passing
moment! We all wear an invisibility cloak to hide who we actually are to
present a fitting personality that we hope will blend in our surrounding trying
to bring down the entropy of nature to make a perfect arrangement! I know that
zero entropy symbolizes perfect arrangements with no asunder and imperfections
but what this ideal scenario also signifies is the depravity and paucity of the
feelings we have been suppressing and camouflaging inside.
I do understand the
concept of hiding feelings from the world just to rescue ourselves from the
ambush and blitz that the world is so ready to shower at us but hiding it from
the inner self killing away introspection is only making us more like robots
rather than living Homo sapiens. That’s what the difference is between a human
being and a robot, that we can feel things and emotions unlike them. Okay I am
not saying that we should drown ourselves in the ocean of over thinking and stigma of sensitivity because all that’ll do is consume us by the stimuli of
negative thinking and depression and suicidal thoughts in some cases but still
aren’t we losing space for our real self in all this hustle and bustle of life?
I guess this is not what I bargained for when I was a child working hard day in
and day out to reach a place like this in my life! I never wished for a burden
of unprocessed feelings and backlog of emotions to be put on my back so
ruthlessly without prior knowledge of what my life conspires for me in the next seconds!
The unsaid words, the feelings, the emotions, the thoughts with which I was
born & brought up seem more like a mirage now. All these disciplines with
which I was nurtured throughout my childhood sound so hollow. ‘Face the truth!’
‘Never lie to yourself and never hide anything!’ ‘Do not fake things.’ ‘Be a
good person!’ ‘Never think ill of others and never do anything bad with
others!’ All these ideals seem like a slogan of some different era. It’s not
these statements per se with which I’m trying to imply that how charlatan we
have become but all I’m trying to do is draw a conclusion figuratively.
I am in
skepticism of what really is happening with me and life and the millions of
feelings that I have been hiding away in the box of ignorance from such a long
time. Facing them surely brings me pain and a frenzy of turmoil but what about
not facing them? I evade them today, move on and march ahead only with a
heavier burden to carry at my back tomorrow. Yes, the weight is manageable today but
will it be manageable tomorrow is something I just don’t know! It’s like
prancing on a doubly edged sword. I evade the feelings, I increase the burden
which will eventually be unbearable someday or I face them, look them in the eye and be
left broken and destroyed again to not be able to move forward for a
significant amount of time. Decisions decisions! Tough one!
To be frank, I’m
not that wise or smart or intelligent whatever you may call it, my grades don’t
reflect my intellect! Should I go out, shed my burden fearing a break down or
should I just postpone it all in a hope that one day it’ll all be fine? Should
I take the risk of becoming a prisoner of my past by scavenging these feelings and emotions or should I depend upon the omens of the future who might never bestow their light upon
me? Should I free my soul to find its own way or should I hold onto it and try
to caress it and love it back? For now the decision is tough, for now, Unprocessed Feelings is all I have!
